Grass hates life more than I do

Imagine if grass could talk. All it would say would be, "AH, FUCK! I HATE THIS SHIT!" Grass has the shittiest role in nature, all it does is provide its physical being for the use of animals' defecation and walking pleasure. All anyone ever does involving grass is either walk on it or piss on it, and when I say anyone, I am including animals. I think the word fuck was invented by grass. Believe it or not, I was sober when I thought of this.

About this Blog

As is quite obvious, this blog is called, "Ay yo I need a sammich." Unless you are either Brian or Dave (which you probably are if you are reading this) you won't know to what this title is referring. This is the story of how it happened, poorly portrayed by yours truly.
It all happened on a Friday. It was the last day of legitimate school before exam week, so to celebrate me and my two friends Dave and Brian went to Wendy's for the traditional celebratory BACONATOR! I honestly believe that Dave and I have together given enough money to Wendy's to get a sammich named after us. We probably end up going there twice a weekend. (BT-dubs, Brian's website is linked under, "Bry Guy's Site." Visit it.) Anyways, we got there and stood in line and ordered our delicious BACONATORS! After we ordered, I noticed the dude taking my order. He was this tall blond guy fit to wear flat-brimmed hats with douchey earing included. After I ordered I couldn't help but falling on the floor laughing because of how he asked for my sandwich from one of the lesser cronies of Wendy's. Instead of politely asking, "Fellow employee of the fine Wendy's food establishment, winner of the Zagat award for best fast food joint, won't you kindly fetch me a delicious BACONATOR! for this upstanding youth?" He opted for the, "Ay, Yo! Get me a sammich! I need some fries yo! Hey yo, put some ketchup on that sammich!" Notice the exclamation points, put there for the expression of loud, ridiculous obnoxiousness only expected of such a prime example of pure douchebag. He has become one of my favorite icons of what Newtown stands for, along with the future life-partner of Tim Gillis. Hopefully he has enough of a life to not read that.

breakfast and observations

This mourning at breakfast I made an observation: Everyone sucks. I was standing in line for some delicious GS breakfast food when some bitch cut in front of me and said, "sorry!!" really cutely, as if saying sorry satiated my raging hunger. I was about to just fucking leave but I was too hungry to be proud. Anyways, when I finally got my food and sat down, I noticed there was one other person in the dining hall who I was actually on a talking-to basis with. They opted to sit by themselves. I was by myself. Wow, I must actually be as repulsive as I think I am. This already wonderful breakfast got even better. As I was staring at my cutlery, a very strange thing to do, I noticed a girl I find very attractive staring at me as if to say, "are you about to kill yourself, cus' if you are, can you do it over there?" I was very embarrassed, so I got up as fast as I could and tripped and nearly fell, but I did manage to drop my silverware, my cup, and everything formerly on my plate. As I was picking up my cup, I noticed only the inside was shiny, the outside was textured and frosty from the ice. It was the worst breakfast ever. That's all I have to say about that.

Caninus

I was perusing the heavy-metal music on youtube when I found this band called Caninus. They are now my favorite band. If you have some free time (which you probably do since you are reading this) check out this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hxaewme4HjY. If you are too cool 4 skool and didn't look at the link, they are a band consisting of a bi-species makeup. They have humans playing instruments and dogs as the lead singers. Yes. Their music isn't even good, it's just impossible to not laugh while listening to it. It sounds like Jordan Friedman was really angry that his dad only gave him 500 dollars to spend and he was venting through the art of guitar playing while a dog was being trained to "talk." That's Caninus.

I hate testosterone

Earlier today I was sitting on a bench in a public space while my friend Theo was ripping on hipsters when this really really sensitive (some would call him gay) guy named Jake walked by. My friend Theo, who is the opposite of reserved yells out, "Like a fucking hipster like that. Look at him, what a fucking hipster." And I said, "No he's not, he's just gay." This was a really fucking bro thing to say, I know, but don't blame me, blame testosterone. Anyways, this isn't the funny part. The funny part is how later that day at dinner that kid, Jake, came to sit at my table. After about eight minutes of sitting there, he randomly asks me, "hey, were you the one who called me gay earlier?" I said, "yeah." That's all I have to say about that. It was hilarious.

I don't care about your fucking adopted mexican baby from Guatemala

For the record, my father is Mexican, and i'm just being racist because it's funny. Anyways, I was just wasting my life by looking at different people's blogs when I noticed something. EVERY FUCKING BLOG IS ABOUT BEING A PARENT. I literally clicked the "next blog" button like eight times and all eight times rewarded me with a fucking life story of some bitch who got pregnant. Why doesn't blogger know that I hate women who think pregnancy is something spiritual. If a reference to that level of pain was made by a man and referred to as "spiritual," people would think he was suicidal or a satanist (I'm not saying I see either of those things as negatives, but a lot of people do). There are so many more painful things than pregnancy. Like breaking a femur. When you break a femur, it takes three to six months to recover, and during that entire period of time all you feel is excruciating pain. Oh, and by the way, no walking. And, it usually isn't the person who broke their femur's choice to break it. Seeing how abortion is legal, it is ALWAYS the woman's choice to give birth, so it isn't like someone else MADE them do it. The only upside to having a broken femur as apposed to having a kid is that there are not babies involved. Fuck babies.

I'm not an underacheiver and fuck you maggie

I hate everything. The other day in math class I was staring blankly at my math book thinking about lobsters when my teacher called on me. I had no idea what we were doing and I did the only logical thing to do in that situation, go "ugghghghhh...Huh?" My teacher told me to pay attention and called on some smart person. But thats not what bugged me, it was what my classmate said to me afterwards. She said, "Nick, you're such an underachiever." And for the record, she's a bitch. I didn't say anything, but for the rest of the seventy-five minute class instead of sleeping I thought about how achieving exactly what I hope to achieve is underachieving. I hate other peoples' standards and expectations. That's like saying ants are underachievers because I expect them to harvest corn instead of sugar. I'm not even capable of becoming a great mathematician. I hate you Maggie, you make my head hurt.

Aokigahara and dead old people

So my friend Dave just told me about this place called Aokigahara. It is apparently the third most popular suicide site in the world, with like 500 dead bodies found since 1950 or something. This is nuts, because when I "researched" it (went to wikipedia) it said this ritual called ubasute was common there. Ubasute, according to wikipedia, is the practice of taking old and useless people to desolate places to let them die. What the fuck?! Why didn't I think of this? It makes so much sense. If I was Hitler and had to do a genocide of any group of people, it would be old people. Or fat people. Essentially, just people who appear to me to be useless. Like clowns. That's all I have to say about that.

Mike Birbiglia and me wasting my life

One of the reasons I started this blog was because of a Mike Birbiglia joke about how everyone has a blog, about anything. You should listen to the joke, it's funny. Anyways. This is actually kind of awkward, because I am sort of talking to myself but imagining other people reading it, which will probably not happen. BT-dub, this is my first post ever. Yay.